Take Me Back To The Ball Game – Lance Manion


I’m not a fan of baseball but I do admit that when I see the players wearing their ‘throwback’ uniforms it does fill me with a certain sense of nostalgia. A yearning for a simpler time when the “boys of summer” were the only game in town.
With this in mind I think I’m going to approach Major League Baseball with the following idea – let’s really embrace the spirit of the throwback game and broadcast it in black and white! Just imagine how cool that would look. It would be like stepping into a time machine.
And while we’re at it, make the players use the same equipment that they used to use back in the glory days.
As a compromise for having to use inferior bats and balls players will be allowed to openly drink in the dugouts, including shots during the seventh inning stretch.
Perhaps the marketing departments of each team can get their cities in the swing of things by enforcing a dress code for the game! Ties, jackets and hats would be required to sit in the stands. Hopefully the day will be a scorcher so the crowds can truly appreciate what their ancestors put up with when they made the decision to attend a game. While some might argue that heatstroke might detract from the overall enjoyment of the contest, on the plus side each fan in attendance will either be given either a free carton of non-filtered cigarettes or a pouch of Red Man chew (14 years old and above only).
To give the day that added touch of authenticity we could even give all of the black, Asian and Hispanic players the day off! This should present no real problems… assuming all of the teams have a large number of minor league affiliates to draw upon to fill their rosters.
Before you jump to the conclusion that this is in any way racist, black, Asian and Hispanics will obviously be allowed to attend the games! Of course, certain slight modifications to the stadium will be needed to ensure that the spirit of the day is not lost on the viewers. I mean, of course, whites-only drinking fountains. The cherry on top of a magical day would be a quick shot of the player’s wives hamming it up for the cameras.
Of course, some of the wives might not be exactly thrilled with the idea of having to dress up in the garb of the day but we will leave it up to the players to discuss it with them in the style of the day.
Did I forget to mention Cracker Jack?!
Plenty of Cracker Jack will be on hand.
Have I forgotten anything? I certainly hope not. I want to make sure my presentation to Major League Baseball is convincing. I sincerely believe that the ‘throwback’ uniforms are just the tip of a very wistful iceberg.
About the contributor: Lance Manion looks exactly how you want to him to look. Disappointed there isn’t a picture of him looking at you smugly, perhaps wearing a heavy cardigan and clutching a pipe? Life is full of disappointment. In your head there is a perfect Lance Manion. Where he lives, what his hobbies are, his political or sexual affiliations. Go with those.

A tremendous fellow this Lance Manion. Currently residing in a house he could be, much like Schrödinger’s cat, either alive or dead. Of course, if you’re reading this in the year 2060 or beyond then he’s probably dead. Checkout his website.

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